The Scene

I love mornings like this one. I woke up in prayer, beckoned by the Lord to an early walk. This is day two of increased meds, and I walked slowly down to the lake stopping occasionally to muscle through surges of nausea. I heard His familiar voice, "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other" - words that characterize my life of late. Knowing that I was on my way to one of my favorite places to sit and pray, though, made it worth the walk.

The place I like to sit is at the south end of the lake; from there, the pine trees frame Mt. Wheeler perfectly. The lake was glass this morning, and it was so, so quiet. I'm not sure what heaven will be like, but I'm pretty sure, that for me, it will include that spot. In a world with four children, solitude is a rarity - quietness, a gift (not that their words, laughter, and even crying that fill our house daily are not; it's just that the ratio of child-sounds to quiet make the latter more precious in this particular season of life). I sat down to pray over various details of this moment in this beautiful place God's given us to be -for increases in compassion, for our future as a family, for precious friends, for health. Soon, though, I found myself in a fairly familiar thought-rut. Though I believe that God has given me obsessive-compulsive tendencies for great and glorious reasons, they present certain challenges in my life that creep up when my vigilance is interrupted. I soon realized I wasn't even praying anymore; instead I was thinking about my frustration with living in body that refuses to keep up with my spirit and the powerlessness that involves. Then I was thinking about how powerless I feel when I reach out to my hurting daughter and have her absolutely refuse to communicate. Which led me to think about how angry I was at her mother for not giving her what she needed when she was small and for continuing to open her wounds even today, and how wearying it is to for me to have to bear this misdirected anger and hurt. Then I was thinking about other past wounds, and how this or that person had said something hurtful and never apologized, etc. Negativity was snowballing into an avalanche of all that is wrong in my world, and I silenced the Voice who had called me there in the first place. Yuck.

I've had a few friends in my life who've been in my world when they've tried to quit smoking. They've echoed each other in various forms, iterating the need to have something to do with their hands. The habit of smoking creates this very strange void upon cessation. Different friends of mine have dealt with this in different ways. One took up knitting and had more scarves and hats by the time she really quit than anyone I've met before or since. Another always had a pencil or one of those fake cigarettes and gum to keep her mouth busy. Another couldn't find a replacement and, as far as I know, has never quit. In psychological circles, it is commonly held that breaking a habit without replacing it with a better, more healthy one is a very rare occurance. Emotional habits are no different, they just aren't as visible. I'm an addict, in many ways, to negative thinking, even though I know it can spread like wildfire and destroy a moment, a day, a life. Part of this comes from what I believe is a God-given passion for caring for orphans of the living. Tony and I, because of this passion, see really sad circumstances a lot. Foster care and the foster care system are also my research interests, so I read many books about the system and hear stories often about abuse and injustice. Part of this comes from being sick, and because I feel that in my physical body every day, it often becomes my focus.

In the midst of my negativity avalanche today came the familiar Voice again; "STOP". And I remembered where I am in the Bible right now and how the Israelites complained about everything throughout their journey to and through the promised land and how frustrating and saddening that was to God. I remembered how one of the condemnations God gives Israel in Hosea is that they took all the good things God gave them - the fruit, the harvest, the rich land - and they gave them to other gods. His gifts!! I thought about how important it is to me that my children are grateful for what their dad and I work hard to provide for them, and how frustrating it is when they are not appreciative of what they are given. I stopped and thanked God for all He has given us.

In recent years, cognitive scientists have discovered some really amazing realities about gratitude. Psychiatrist Michael Lara (2011) states that the simple act of thinking about things for which one is grateful activates the left frontal lobe (the whole frontal lobe is the part of the brain responsible for mature decision-making and predicting consequences), releasing a flood of neurotranmitters such as dopamine, seratonin, and other natural opiates which reduce and counteract stress hormones such as norepinephrine and cortisol produced by the limbic system (the primitive, survivalist part of the brain). Lara posits that one can actually combat depression by re-training the brain through dwelling in gratitude (though the actual strategy is, of course, more complex than this) which is beautiful evidence for what Paul advised the Philippian church over 2,000 years ago: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things" (Philippians 4:8) which only echoes what Jesus taught, "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:31). God doesn't just give us "don'ts" but He gives us alternatives: new, healthy, whole habits and practices to replace our habits and practices as we become more and more like Him.

So for tonight, I will drift to sleep dwelling in what is true, pure, and lovely, and when worry and negative thinking threaten to bury me, I will choose to seek (a very active verb) His kingdom because none of the rest is my concern anyway.