There has never been a 24-hour-period in my entire life that I have lived so in the face of Darkness, never a time when I have done such serious, heart-rending battle with that which seeks to destroy us. Though I would very much like to tell the whole story, for now, I think it is best in this public forum to remain a little vague out of respect and honor for the individual lives and stories those involved.
It was nine days ago that things began to go awry for our family. I've never in my life felt such a cold sense of muted evil under our roof (and let me be clear - I believe that THOSE FORCES, not the people involed, are what we are battling). I don't think I slept much that night, and usually, I am plagued with self-doubt about decisions. I play conversations over and over in my head, thinking about what went wrong, about what I could have / should have done differently, and I think with grave concern about what the consequences will be - I am really a border-line obsessive-compulsive personality living only in the life-giving grace of the Lord. This time, for whatever reason, was different.
Nine nights ago, I cried out to God in each moment of waking restlessness. For hours and hours, I cried. "Please, please, be what I cannot be. Please rescue us from our own despair. Please let your grace extend to each of us in our weakest moments. Please forgive us of our deepest wrongs, and let us see as you see." And by the time morning dawned, I had more peace than I have ever felt in my entire existence. Peace about the future, peace about my children, peace in that I truly, truly have surrendered my control, released my painfully inflexible grip on MY life, MY future, and MY family, and gave everything up to the controller of all things. What freedom, what peace, what joy is offered in knowing that I don't have to (and in fact I can't) carry it all. And in that moment of waking in the joy of the Lord, I sang praises to him, as I have all throughout this week, for the goodness that He is, and I believe on the Word that He inhabits our praise, and therefore cannot be far when I praise Him.
At this point, I have no idea what the outcome of this particular struggle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual forces in this world will be. Because Satan is powerful, and because God I believe that God rarely, if ever, forces Himself on us (though in this case, I really wish He would - for all of our sakes), I don't know for certain that our result will look like I desire it to look. Whatever it is, though, I will sing for joy; even at my saddest, I will sing for joy. In the words of my sweet spirit-filled friend, "God may not change your circumstances, but He will change how you see, engage, and respond to them completely."
"And I'll praise You in the storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am." - Casting Crowns
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